


All That Remains

by Totheendsoftheearth



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Babies, Child Loss, Childbirth, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, Female Reader, Funeral, Pregnancy, Reader-Insert, bucky loves you so much, no physical description though, will be a happy ending...i hope
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-06-06 05:18:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15187646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Totheendsoftheearth/pseuds/Totheendsoftheearth
Summary: "Without him here what remains? For us? For me? For you?""All that remains is our love and his memory. Let's not let either die."Will your relationship survive the loss of your only child?*warning* nothing but pain, misery, death. Please consider this if you feel uncomfortable with the idea of any of this. Not a fluff piece.





	1. Chapter 1

The wind bore the chill deeper into your bones as you followed the figures infront. Pulling your thick, black coat tighter did nothing to protect from the chill that had already numbed your heart. Feet crunched on the cold hard ground as you trudged along. You felt someone pat you on the shoulder but there was zero care from you to respond. Onwards you forced yourself having to see this through. Your vision seemed dull and blurred, your body sluggish. You knew you would eternally regret it if you didn't go on. If you didn't say goodbye. As you reached the hole that had been dug into the cold, hard earth the procession came to a halt.

Tears fell down your face as the small, white coffin was lowered into the ground. Slowly it faded from view into the darkness. You stepped foreward to gain a better view while you still could. Grasping on in any way possible.

A silent hush fell upon the mourners as the priest, or maybe it was a vicar, spoke. It didn't matter to you which, made no difference. The reality you had found yourself thrown into remained the same. He spoke words of heavens above and waiting arms of loved ones. All designed to provide the smallest amount of comfort in darktimes. It was a lie, every damn word. Your arms were here, open, yet he had been ripped away from you.

An arm snaked it's way around your waist, fingers dug into your hip seeking acknowledgment. Or perhaps comfort of their own. Turning your head to the left you were met with Bucky's strong gaze. It hadn't even registered until before now he had been next to you. Reaching for his hand you jerked it away from you as if poisoned. You shuddered still feeling the ghost of his hold on your body.

Your husband Bucky should be the person you wanted most in this time of need, instead you ignored the hurt on his face from the repeated rejections. You couldn't stand to be near him, to look at him, to talk to him. He was a reminder. A reminder of what had been lost.

Bucky had left you alone. You were not feeling in the mood for forgiveness. He hadn't been there. As your only child lay dead on a metal table being cut open, where was Bucky? Your child left all alone in the morgue. Did your child think his mother had abandoned him? Did he think you had forgotten him? Left cold and alone while complete strangers searched for a cause of death. Intrusive thoughts assalted your brain picturing it. The pain clenched it's fist tight around your heart.

You tried to shout out in your mind how sorry you were for leaving him all alone. You had never been away from your 8 month old son for longer than an hour before this. He would be missing you. He would be scared. He would be hungry.

You felt the damp patch spreading slightly within your bra and a familiar tingle of your let down. Your breasts didn't yet know of the death so were still producing milk that would never be drunk. They were sore and heavy, engorged. You thought back to the hot showers full of misery watching the milk flow down the drain hand expressing for comfort. Blocked ducts painful and hot. Tears and milk mingled.  You ached to be fed from.

The fact remained you would never feed your son again. You would never hold your son again. You would never kiss those baby toes while pretending to eat him up. You would never hear that laugh as you danced around with him in your arms. You would never see your son again. Instead you were left alone dispite being surrounded by people in a cold, frosty New York graveyard watching him go. 


	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reminders are everywhere of your recent loss as you struggle to let go.

Sitting on the bed you stared at the striped blue and white sock in your hand smoothing it straight along your knee. You had gone to pull out a pair of pajamas and found this tucked inside the leg. So tiny, now rendered useless it's owner no longer needing it's warmth. How many more of these little reminders would worm their way out?

He was everywhere around you still. His cot still next to the double bed you had shared with your husband. HAD. You now lay alone staring through the cot bars at night at the empty space left behind. Phantom cries at night would wake you. The shower was the absolute worst, convinced you could hear him crying out to you. Betrayed by your own mind. It's not like you got much sleep anyway, only able to slip away when knocking back a sleeping tablet.

You rose from the bed and walked through to the nursery attached to your accommodation at the base. You opened up a draw and placed the sock gently down with the others. Everything remained the same as it had been those three weeks ago. Three weeks since your world was torn apart. Three weeks since your life was changed for ever. Reaching for a toy that rested on a  white rocking chair you cuddled it close as you sat down. You rocked back an forth as you stroked the soft toy. Tears streamed down surprising you. How was it humanly possible to still have tears left after so much crying? The pain remained so raw. You could not picture it ever dissipating as it consumed you.

As you continued the rocking back and forth your eyes began to slowly close, to heavy to resist. This level of sorrow proved to be exhausting. Your body needing rest before a phantom cry would snap you awake again. Memories flitted through your brain. Your first kiss with Bucky. Dancing with him at your own wedding. Feeling his hands on your growing bump as he whispered to your yet to be born son. Remembering how proud Bucky had been to cut the umbilical cord. Everything had been so perfect before like the puzzle pieces of life had slotted together perfectly, until someone came along and mixed it apart. Hell it was like someone had set fire to the entire puzzle then pissed on it to put it out. Bucky had been your soul mate, your one true love. Then you became a mother and you then finally knew what it meant to love something with every fiber of your being. Someone you would die for, kill for. A primal protective instinct that meant you loved your son more than life itself. You really did, you still did.....

Your brain particulary liked to replay that one awful night. Wondering what you could of done differently.

_Your arms had grown weak and heavy from the weight but at long last he had fallen asleep. Jay had been struggling with a cold making him extra clingy. Typically, at the same time as Bucky had been away on a mission. You had hardly had a chance to eat or sleep, never mind shower, as baby Jay cried for your arms and your arms alone. Slowly, ever so slowly you lowered him into the cot, wincing as you pulled your arms out from under pleading mentally that he did not wake._

_Bucky had chosen the name Jay after you had refused the name J.R (James Junior). You could live with this if it meant so much to him. The baby Bucky thought he would never have with a life he never thought he would lead. Jay looked so much like Bucky there was never a doubt who the father was, despite jests from Sam stating otherwise._

_As you lay in the bed you reached out a hand that came up empty. You forgot Bucky wasn't there. You missed him. Rarely was he away for long, this new found parenthood a rather good reason to decline long term missions. Still duty called and Bucky wanted to be included as it involved a Hydra base he had once been held in. Normally you did not begrudge him but that was before he left you with the baby who refused to be put down._

_So drained from the lack of sleep and demands of_ _parenthood you fell instantaneously into a deep sleep. Your body clock woke you up with a jolt as you found yourself staring at the light filtering in, full breasts, and wondering what on earth the time was.  Your body told you it was morning already and panic that Jay had really slept that long?!  Gosh he hadn't woken up once, he must of been exhausted. You rolled over in the bed to face him. His little face turned away from you as you blinked your vision focusing. You rubbed your eyes and pulled back the covers deciding to wake up for a feed after he had slept for so long. He was struggled to feed with a blocked nose so really needed the fluids._

_"Hey sleepy head," you spoke gently touching his chest. You stroked your hand over his head to try to rouse him but no response. Sliding your hands underneath his body you lifted him up out of the cot which still failed to wake up. A tight feeling of panic spread through your chest as your breath caught in your throat. Something was wrong. His arms hung limp, his lips were blue._

_"Jay, Jay wake up baby," you began to shout. As you held his unresponsive form your voice turned to shouts until you were screaming. Heading to the hallway and the rest of the base you began screaming for help. Groggily people came running with a sick feeling in the pit of their stomach hearing your screams. Those screams. Screams that would haunt each and every person who heard them that day. Despite being a team of battle hardened fighters it could not prepare them for the screams only a mother could let out. The sight of you on your knees cradling your son as you cried out for help burned into their minds. Paramedics arrived and had to pry him from your arms. It was too late. He was gone. You had slept deeply as he had taken his last breath. Bucky was god knows where, doing god knows what, signals could not reach him._

_Bucky had not been there when your son ceased to be. He left you alone in your darkest hour and you could not forget that. He screamed at you later on that you were being irrational but the hurt inside you screamed louder. Bucky had been informed the moment his quinjet landed three days later. Steve had tried to catch Bucky, still dressed in tactical gear, as his knees buckled  falling to the tarmac. He swayed stunned and shocked from the unexpected news as a look of terror took over his expression. Smashing his metal hand into the ground he shook Steve off as he roared._

_A silent tear streak Bucky's face as he ran to you. Mashing the button on the elevator after physically throwing someone out of it. He had to get to you. He shouted at it to "C'mon". He continued the fast pace reaching the quarters the three (now two) of you shared. Barging in with a heavy shoulder Bucky nearly tore the door clean off. He called out to you but he could only hear faint sobs. Racing_   _to the source of the noise he found you sprawled across your sons bedroom floor. Hair matted and lank, eyes blood shot with huge bags, lips dry and pale. How long had you been like this? Moving to your side he tried to scoop you up, drawing you close for an embrace. Placing his lips to your head your body shook from the sobs that made your whole body move violently._

_For one minute he held you. The very last time he held you close then you began to push him away. Pulling away emotionally and physically you began to shout at him to get off. Bucky tried harder to draw you back into the embrace until Steve pulled him off hearing your protests. As Bucky reluctantly let himself be lead away he reach down and grabbed a soft animal. A blue stuffed rabbit. Metal fingers grasped tighter at it as he turned over his shoulder watching the broken form of his wife still sprawled across the floor. Natasha rushed to your side as you looked up. The look of pure anger and pain bore into Bucky the likes of which he had not thought possible from you._

_It was an undiagnosed heart condition. Something that was nobodies fault yet the fact did nothing to ease the pain. If it had not happened now it would of likely later down the line. Nobody had seen it coming from the healthy, bouncing, giggling baby Jay. The dark mood fell apon the entire base._

You awoke from your memory finding the pillow stained with tears. Your body ached to hold him, to touch him, to breath him in. A new wave of pain every time you relived the experience. Pulling back the covers you threw on some heavy boots and a thick coat not paying any attention to the time of day or your appearance. Such things no longer a concern for your grief consumed mind. Nobody seemed about so you guessed it was pretty late and you had security clearance so no computer response alerted anyone to your whereabouts. Heading to the large garage (more like a warehouse thanks to Tony) you hopped into the first car you found. Revving the engine the garage doors opened wide as you sped into the cold, dark, snow filled night with only one destination in mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every mum will tell you the shower thing is real, honestly every shower convinced i can hear my kid crying!


	3. chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky feared for you as you went missing in the dead of night.

Wanda carried the tray through the building from the kitchen to outside of your door. The smell of food wafted through the air as she threatened to spill the coffee any second. She had taken to bringing you most meals even if they remained untouched. Wanda had to try, had to do something. Everyone felt on edge coming to terms with the news. Barton and Scott Lang had children. But this was the first child to be born (literally) on base and live here. Everyone had witnessed the love unfold between you and Bucky then watched as that love blossomed and Jay being the physical manifestation. He had brought a new aura oflight and love to the place. The Avengers felt like a true family at last to some.

You didn't respond to the knock which seemed odd. Even if you refused to look at Wanda, refused to talk, you always took the tray and retreated back into your quarters. Back into your misery filled self emposed solitude. Wanda left the food outside of the door and made her way to another set of living accommodations.

"Bucky," Wanda knocked and called out through the thick door. It swung open to reveal a haggard sight.

"What is it?" He grumbled, voice deep with sleep still.

"Is y/n here?"

"No, why?"

"She is not in your, I mean, her room when I brought her some breakfast, she hasn't been leaving the room at all. Wanted to check she was okay."

"FRIDAY," Bucky called out to the air. "Where is Y/N?"

"y/n is not currently on the base. Would you like me to alert you of her return?"

"No, when did she leave?"

"She took a vehicle at 4:34 this morning."

"FUCK!" Bucky shouted in fear for your unexplained departure. 

"Do you know where she might be Bucky?" Wanda inquired.

"Not a god damn clue, it's not like she will talk to me. She won't see me. She won't even look at me." Bucky rubbed his hands over his weary face. "Let's go search for her. Go ask Tony if the cars have tracking or not."

"No need. I know where she will be." A female voice interrupted as Natasha rounded the corner. Bucky grabbed shoes and a black hooded sweatshirt following the two redheads down the hall. Silence fell on them, nobody knowing quite what to say.

* * *

 Heavy footsteps crunched in the snow. A dark shape stood out from the the landscape of grey and white, a dramatic out of place contrast.

"Y/N?" Bucky called over to the figure with no response. 

Nat rushed up a head crouching down beside the slumped body, "It's her!"

Bucky picked up the pace jogging to your side. What had you been thinking? Coming here in the snow and dressed inappropriately for the conditions. Without hesitation Bucky lifted you up into his strong arms as if you were as light as a feather. He looked down at your cold face, you looked aged by this whole ordeal, but he still saw his beautiful wife underneath the pain. The women he had married and dedicated his life to, the women who so painfully pushed him away. Your eyes fluttered slightly feeling the movement. Opening fully you realised who was carrying you and you begane to push and beat at him. Bucky was forced to set you down fearing he would drop you due to your outburst. You stumbled as your body felt heavy.

"Y/N, you are freezing." Bucky spoke softly with such concern in his eyes..

"I don't care, how dare you touch me! How dare you try to take me away!" You darted suddenly back towards the grave of your son. The grave you had laid slowly freezing on. Bucky was quicker, stronger. Wanda and Nat watched letting the moment take its course as Bucky held you back by your waist. Shouting you pushed his hands away and slapped at him where he grasped only causing him to grasp tighter. He was sure it would leave a bruise but he was not going to let you go. Bucky spun you around forcing you to face him. 

"Please stop fighting me y/n, let's just go get warmer clothes then we can come back."

"NO! He will think I've left him, again. I promised him I'd stay. I told him I'd never leave him alone again. He will be crying," you collapsed into Bucky's embrace as the words left your mouth. "He will be crying for me."

"Shh! It's okay, It's okay, he knows you are with him. He knows you would never leave him. You are his mother and always will be." Bucky rubbed circles on the small of your back. "You can't be there for him if you don't look after yourself though."

"But you were't there. You left him alone."

"I'm here now aren't I?" The words stung deep slicing open the wounds of Bucky's heart. 

"To fucking late, he's gone." Bucky stiffened at your words and stopped the soothing rubbing action on your back. Good, you felt so much hurt you just wanted him to hurt to. Wanted him to know the disdain you felt. 

"You don't think I know that? Believe me I damn well do. This hurts me too Y/N. It's not just you who lost him that day and now I'm forced to loose you as well? Why do you keep pushing me away? What can I do to make this right?"

"Nothing. Nothing can make this better Bucky, now just please let me go back," you shrugged him off, this time with Bucky reluctantly loosing his hold and letting you go.

He watched as you made your way back to the grave, kneeling beside it. This was the first time Bucky had been here since the funeral. It was a morbid and depressing place to him. He wanted to remember his son with positive memories. Bucky headed back to the car not wanting others to see the pain etched into this face. Bucky had been playing the part of strong silent soldier well and the mask was about to slip if he was not careful. Sat in the drivers seat of the car he brooded silently leaving you to Natasha and Wanda. His hands gripped the steering wheel tightly. Each and every day he felt you slipping further from his grasp. As if the more he reached down to grasp you from falling, the more you turned to liquid running between his finger tips. Running as far from him as you could. Loosing his son was killing him but loosing you as well? That would be the final nail in the coffin.

Natasha crouched bedside you on the ground trying to ignore the cold. She didn't say a word trying to keep the situation calm. Nat didn't want to risk pissing you off as truth be told she wasn't sure how well she would fare in a fight to get you into the car.

Finally she broke the silence, "These flowers are beautiful.

"I don't know who left them. I think it was Pepper who arranged it. I didn't have a hand in the um, funeral."

"Well, she did a good job. Do you want to pick some out to put here for him yourself?"

"What's the fucking point Nat, my poor baby hasn't even got a headstone yet. Nobody knows who he is. People will walk past him not knowing who's here. He is here. He is real. He was a real person. I know because I held him. I nursed him. Fuck, I pushed him out of my god damn vagina."

Nat had to bite her tongue as not to laugh. You looked up though at the wrong time and both of you couldn't help but let out a smile. 

"Do you remember first time Tony held Jay?" you asked Nat."

"Oh god, yes, he was sick all over his shoulder."

"Funnier that no one noticed."

"He even went out to lunch with Pepper with it down him. He was so angry!" Nat sat on the snow next to you laughing.

For the first time Nat had seen a flash of the old you surface. Just for a split second. Them it was gone and your smile returned to the now usual sadness.

"I'm sorry Nat."

"For what?"

"Bringing this misery on everyone."

"Look, people are sad because they cared for him not because of you. They are feeling the loss of an innocent as well. Nothing about this is your fault."

"But it's still because of me."

"I have something for you, was saving it for Christmas," Natasha dug into her leather jacket pulling out a necklace. She placed in into the palm of your hand. "Open it carefully."

You did as instructed and found it was a heart shapped locket that opened. It looked familar but you couldn't place it. Inside was a photo of Jay, smiling away and a small curl of dark hair.

"The necklace was Bucky's mothers, I was going to add another photo of you and Bucky." Nat explained.

"Thank you Nat, think I prefer it without Buck's face though.".

"Here, let me put it on you." Natasha took it from your hand and leant towards you doing the clasp up at the neck. Your hand went up to your neck feeling the heart shape gold against your skin. "He will always be with you. You can carry him with you every where you go."

You smiled remembering his dark hair. The baby smell when you kissed the top of his head. His daddies thick hair already startinb to grow.

"Y/N. It's cold. You have been here a while. Shall we go warm up in the car? Go get coffee?"

"I'm not getting in the car with Bucky. I don't want to even look at him. Can you and Wanda drive the car I came here in with me?"

"Okay if that's what you want. Y/N. You know Bucky is in pain as well? Just please remember that to, its hard seeing both friends hurting alone. He is worried about you because he loves you."

"His love can't bring back Jay."

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You fall ill yet still push Bucky away.

Every single day from that point on you would visit his grave. Come rain or shine it did not matter, you had to be there by his side. Hours sat in the pouring rain that even when you became unwell you refused to leave.  Meals were no longer left on trays but in little brown bags for you to take with you. The whole ordeal pained everyone around you. Especially Bucky who felt so useless. You still were pushing him away.

Your days blurred into one long miserable existence. Your routine the same every day. Get up, cry, shower, cry, visit Jay, cry then spend hours in his room you guessed it, crying. This particular morning the sun was shining adding some warmth to the cold air. It glistened on the snow covered ground. As you got ready to leave the sun became covered by clouds but you would still not forego your daily visit. You swallowed down some cold and flu tablets as you had a sinus infection but you refused to rest.

The first drops of rain hit you as you opened the creaky gate of the cemetery. What did a bit of rain matter to you now? You ached all over shivering. Your head about ready to explode but still you refused to skip it for even just one day. You forced your weary body to trudge onwards. Truth be told you pobably were not in a fit state to even drive here. You sat down on the ground feeling the icy snow through clothing. You shivered but ignored the coldness moving into your skin.

You busied yourself first by taking away any dead flowers. Some new flowers had been placed on his grave but you didn't know who from. You hadn't seen anyone else visit baby Jay but perhaps they waited until you had left. You knew Bucky had yet to visit. He had come close the other day when he had rushed to find you, but that was the closest he had come.

"Jay," you sighed as you spoke to him. "I'm sorry daddy has not been to see you. It's been hard for mummy and daddy. We miss you so, so much. He hasn't forgotten you though baby. It's because he misses you so much he hasn't been."

You begane to sob taking on a personal sense of guilt. Why was Bucky abandoning Jay in death? Bucky hadn't been there the night it happened and not been here either. You did not want to see or hear from Bucky so you were not prepared to bring up the matter. Every time you saw Bucky he just looked with those cold eyes. Would it kill the man to show some emotion?

Reaching for a tissue you blew your nose for the millionth time grimacing as the pain radiated through out your head. Just for good measure you coughed after setting off a new wave of pain. God damn it, why did you have to be ill. Your hands were shaking as you placed a small, red, plastic train on top of his grave. You were still waiting on a headstone to mark his resting place. 

The pain in your head began to really trouble you but you were determined to see it through. He was alone all night, he couldn't be alone all day as well. Your beautiful boy, in the ground, rotting. It was sickening the thought but such were the thoughts of a grieving mind. So far all offers of therapy/counselling had been declined. Were you suppose to move on as if nothing happened?

You felt so tired as you once again weeped. Your hair plastered to your face with the rain beginning to pour. Despite the chill you had began to sweat. What a sorry sight you would of been had anyone else been out in this weather to witness. No one was, it was only you in this desolate garden of death. Coughing again the pain was getting to much. Your throat was begining to grow sore now. You felt so tired, your body grew heavy. What if you just laid down a second? Rested for a moment. Laying on your side next to the grave the icy snow still beat down on you. Eyes fluttering closed and vision growing black. 

_Rocking back and forth you smiled down as you held your baby. You studied his face taking in all his little features. One day old and you were so in love already._

_"Bucky, we made this," you beamed with pride._

_"Yes we did, and he is perfect Y/N. Thank you for bringing him into this world for me." Bucky smiled back as he bent down and kissed Jay lightly on the forehead._

* * *

 

Bucky looked out of the window and sighed while in the shared living area of the base. A communal lounge with a television and large couches. The sun was completly obliterated by the dark clouds with heavy rain. It matched the mood of the base entirely as he glumly made his way to the kitchen.

Wanda turned around as he entered, "Coffee?"

"Yes, thanks," He nodded.

Wanda poured a cup as she poured one for her self. She passed one to him then stood next to him resting against the kitchen island. Bucky looked awful, truly awful. Hair greasy and bags under his eyes.

"How you doing today Buck?" Wanda asked sympathetically. 

"I, I had bad dreams again last night. About being the winter soldier, and um, it was me who hurt him..."

"Oh Bucky, have you spoken to Y/N?"

"She still won't talk. I don't know what to do. I'm worried about her."

Wanda sipped her hot coffee, "We all are. We all feel so...powerless."

"What do I do Wanda?"

"Give her time. She is hurting, deeply. When, when I lost my brother....it hurt. It still does but it grows from the sharp pain to the dull ache. You can learn to live with the dull ache. While it's still the sharp, shooting heartache, not so much. It takes over."

"Where is she anyway Wanda? She disappears for hours?" Bucky frowned.

"Guess..." Wanda raised an eyebrow.

"Even, even in this weather?!" Bucky seemed shocked.

"Yes, it does not bother her. She says he will miss her otherwise."

"That can't be healthy?"

"I normally pack her food to take, sandwiches, snacks, cake, coffee in a travel mug. Today she left before I got a chance to. Not seen her back yet."

"You are a good friend to her, you know that? Thank you. So she went early?"

"Yes."

"And still not back?"

"No," her eyes opened wide in shock realizing the ice cold rain had been pouring for a while now and you were most likely sat in it. "Bucky, she wasn't very well last night, she's been out in this! We have to go get her Bucky."

"For fuck sake...again..." Bucky grumbled as they both darted for the garage. Not because of the effort of going to you, no he would do that a million times over, it was the location that was the problem. He couldn't bare it. 

The tires screeched to a halt outside as Wanda practically jumped out of the car. As she got closer to the grave in question she started shouting then screaming your name. She picked up the pace seeing you laying in the rain and snow. 

"Y/N!" Wanda roughly jolted your shoulder but failed to get a response. Your lips were blue but skin hot to the touch as Wanda put her hand to your forehead. She tried again to rouse you and when met with failure started shrieking for Bucky.

Bucky heard the desperate cry of his name and his heart skipped a beat. He instantly feared the worse. If anything happened to you... Bucky reached your side to see Wanda try to sit you up but your mass floppy and not cooperating. Not once did he see even flutter of an eyelid.

"I got her, it's okay," he tried to reassure Wanda as he bent down and easily scooped you up. Bucky felt how light your frame was now, you had obviously lost weight. He stared down at your face as he rushed back to the car. You looked so peaceful but he knew the truth was so far removed from that idea. Bucky gently placed you in the back seat where Wanda joined you resting your head in her lap as he sped back to base.

 "Bucky..." Wanda spoke quietly but with fear deep in her voice. "Her breathing. It's not right."

"FUCK!" Bucky shouted as he slammed his foot down on the gas fear biting at him. "Y/N! DON'T FUCKING DO THIS TO ME BABY. PLEASE."

Reaching the compound he pulled up as close as he could to the entrance without bothering to park the car.

"Wanda get whoever is available to medical now!" Bucky barked. Wanda nodded in response and ran straight into the building. Bucky picked you up leaving the car running  and followed her in. He slammed the buttons on the lift and kept talking to you as he made his way. The journey seemed to take forever until he was finally at medical.

"HELP ME!" he shouted laying you down on a free bed. He took a step back as staff rushed to you including Dr Banner. Bucky's eyes were wide as he scrapped back the wet hair from his face. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned round to see the sympathetic eyes of Steve.

"C'mon Buck, let them work." Steve dragged Bucky out of the room to give everyone some space.

It was not long at all before Bruce came to the door and addressed Bucky. Bucky looked past Banner as the doors opened and saw you sat up awake in bed. Relief hit him hard after fearing the absolute worst.

"What's happening?" Steve asked calmly.

"Well, it looks like she has a sinus and chest infection. She is weak but she is absoloutly fine. y/n REALLY has to start drinking fluids though, especially when unwell." Banner mostly spoke to Bucky.

"I didn't even know she was sick..."

Banners face fell in sympathy realizing how bad it actually was between the two of you, "Well she is on an IV for the moment. We will get her antibiotics. She is weak but soon she can go. Get her a hot bath, fresh clothes and something to eat."

"I'll try but she won't listen to me, might be better to go get Nat or Wanda..."

Steve turned to Bucky, "Don't admit defeat now. I know she's being difficult but you HAVE to keep trying. Don't give up on her."

Bucky sighed then slowly walked into medical. You were awake but not exactly the most alert as your eyes were heavy and half closed. He pulled up a chair and sat down next you. 

You turned to him and tear ran down your cheek, "Bucky take me back, why didn't you leave me..."

"Shh y/n." Bucky gingerly reached out and touched your hand. "Don't worry about it now I saw the train you left. He will love it. I will take you back tomorrow I promise. Go to sleep."

You were too tired to fight. You were so angry, so mad, you didn't wan't him to be here. Didn't want him touching you, talking to you. Yet somewhere, deep down, some part of you felt that his touch was all you wanted. Like his touch was the best thing for you. It felt so comfortable and familiar. You longed to reach up and pull him closer. Feel his arms engulf you completely. Sleep pulled you down into the darkness as you could not fight it nor fight Bucky anymore, not today anyway.

Wanda crashed through the doors after hearing you were away. Bucky turned his head and put his finger to his mouth and then pointed at you. Wanda came to a halt and put her hands up while pulling an awkward face. She had been eager for news but did not want to risk waking you. Her eyes fell to Bucky's hand on yours and smiled. How it should be, how it used to be. It was like you were drowning out at sea but refusing a helping hand. You were what each other had left and everyone feared this would be the end of your marriage. You and Bucky had always had the love others could only dream of. You were head over heels for each other.

About half an hour later a nurse came round. She gently woke you explaining to you kindly she was going to remove the IV and that you were to go have a bath then bed. Strict orders to rest. You didn't say anything only smiled at her politely. You swung your legs round, your clothes still damp and uncomfortable. You took a step forward but yelped as your legs bagan to buckle still feeling weak. Bucky caught you and came face to face with you.

"I have you y/n," he whispered his, hot breath on your face he was that close. You tried to push him off standing up on your own but again, nearly collapsed to the floor with Buck rushing to catch you. Admitting defeat you let him carry you out of the medical area and to your living area. You buried your face into his chest, not for a source of comfort but out of feeling ashamed of yourself. Stepping into what had been BOTH yours and Bucky's room he took you through to the very large en suite bathroom. He placed you down on to the toilet seat and without a word turned around and started running a bath. He the turned back around and looked at you fully. Bucky saw you sway slightly struggling to remain up right your eyes so heavy looking.

"C'mon on," Bucky started to gently pull at your black jumper taking the wet material from over your head. Bucky then pulled up your vest and threw that to the side as well.

"Stand up," he ordered as he helped ease you out of wet jeans as well. His hands went to your bra and he paused and looked at you. You nodded in response giving him permission to remove your underwear. Something that would of just been natural to him previously. That felt like another time, another place now. Thoughts of being intimate pushed right to the back of his mind. Bucky could not deny how stunning you were though. He had thought so the very moment he had first laid eyes on you and nothing in this time had changed that. As he helped ease you in he noticed that not once would you look at him. He thought about what to say, his mouth opening then closing again deciding against it.  No, he had to be content with this. It was a miracle you had let him this close you could't risk you drawing away again, not when you needed help. 

For a moment you forgot where you were, what had happened. You reclined in the hot water feeling it lap at your body. How many hot baths had you had and Bucky walked in and out of freely? This was his bathroom to. WAS his bathroom. It crossed your mind to ask him to share your bed tonight. You would never ever admit to even yourself how good it felt to be held in his strong arm again. But you wouldn't admit it, so you wouldn't ask him to stay. You would spout something mean or sarcastic no doubt in spite. You pulled the plug out of the bath, the non verbal sign saying you were done. Bucky grabbed a huge fluffy towel and helped dry you off. Still naked he lead you to the bedroom where he helped dress you into PJ's. Still you did not speak to him or look at him.

Finally Bucky helped you into the bed. Pulling the covers up over you he debated giving you a good night kiss. He longed for more, this was killing him. As he went to trun out the light he was met with the response of you rolling onto your side putting your back to him. Bucky should of been angry, should of been mad. Instead he was just grateful you were okay and had let him get this far. It might not of been much to others, but it was a huge improvement.

As Bucky closed the bedroom door he let his heart silently hope that this was a sign, a sign that hope was not completely lost for the two of you.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope people are some what liking it! This isn't even getting the hits for people to have even read it at the moment. I understand the subject matter won't be lots of peoples cup of tea. I guess people prefer fluffy happy established relationships if one is already in place? Or enjoying seeing the start of one unfold? I'm enjoying it anyway...thats all that matters *eye twitch* no it isn't writers want attentiom damnit!


	5. chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment of panic brings about a moment of amicableness between the fractured couple.

Opening up the kitchen counter you reached inside and pulled out a glass. Running the cold tap you filled it then switched it off. Reaching for the medication left on the counter you pulled out two tablets and knocked them back, wincing as you washed them down. Four days into your course of antibiotics and you hated them each time as they were big. No messing around they were some high strength shit. They had started to kick in day two but you were still so weak. Not that this stopped you going about your daily routine. Natasha was on a mission with Steve so left Wanda mothering you. 

Bucky and Wanda had begged you to spend that first day in bed. You insisted that with or without their help you would get there. One way or another. They admitted defeat not wanting to call your bluff. In silence Bucky would drive you while Wanda sat with you. You wouldn't say a word to Bucky and he wouldn't step foot in the graveyard. He opted to stay in the car. It bothered you deeply. Why couldn't he just get out of the car for one minute and see your son. Why couldn't he make that effort for him?

Bucky saw the one minuet positive aspect of this situation. You would get in the car with him. Just days ago you would of refused even that close proximity to him. Bucky had began looking forward to these car rides. As he drove he would steal glances of you. He could smell your shampoo, your body wash. To him, it smelt like comfort, like home. And Bucky Barnes wanted nothing more than to come home. Yes you still occupied the same base that hadn't changed, it just wasn't the same. He wanted the comforts of the quarters he shared with you. He wanted you. Bucky missed his pillow, the mattress, the faint lavender smell from something you put on at bed. He missed the weight of you in the bed next to him. He missed wrapping his arm around you. He missed waking up beside you. You were part of 'home' and could not be replaced. 

Bucky walked into the kitchen casually swirling a set of car keys around his finger. The noise made you grit you teeth as it set you on edge. You tried so hard to avoid looking at him. You caught sight of his frame in your peripheral vision but your eyes were being pulled. They wanted to look at him. You arms wanted to hold him. Your lips wanted to kiss him. Your heart longed to be his again. Your mind....your mind wanted him away. Your mind stopped your eyes even glancing at him in fear you would be weak, cave in. For someone so broken your hurt was proving a strong force. Your aching heart pushing him away.

 "Are you ready to go? Wanda is in the car with a picnic packed." Bucky spoke softly searching your eyes looking for a connection.

"Sure," you replied barging past him lowering your gaze to avoid eye contact.  Each and every rejection from you a stab into Bucky's heart. You would think by now he would be use to it yet it still felt the same as that very first time you pushed him away.

 The car ride there was passed by the sound of the radio filling the silence. Wanda could almost feel the pressure pushing in on her from such tension and high emotion. Like the air had become thick and charged in tye confined space of the car. She was relived when she could step out and breath in the crisp, cool air. As soon as the car came to a stop you jumped out without waiting for the engine to stop.

"I'll be just here, let me know when ready to go," Bucky informed Wanda who only nodded in reply.

Wanda hung back as you raced ahead eager to get back to the only place you wanted to be. As soon as you reach his grave you fell to your knees beside it. Your hand touched the wooden cross marking his tomb. You set about the daily routine of first kissing the wooden cross, tidying up flowers, talking to him, singing to him. Every day was the same with no deviation. 

"Wanda!" Your shriek filled the air after you had been there for two hours. Wanda had been sat reading a book. "WANDA!"

"Yes Y/N?" Wanda looked surprised at the outburst.

"It's gone!" You frantically scrabbled at the flowers, teddies and letters.

"What is?"

"His train!"

"Oh no let me help look."

Wanda helped looking on and around the grave but could see no sign of the plastic train you had previously left.

"It's gone! Oh god it's gone! Jay will be looking for it. He will be wondering where it is! Who would take it! What fucking monster would steal a train from a baby!" Your voice became more shrill and loud as panic set in. You began to sob with stress nearly hyperventilating.

"It's okay Y/N, we will get him another one." Wanda placed her hand on your shoulder gently.

"I don't want another one! I want his! Where the fuck is it?!" You violently threw her hand from you resuming your manic search. Wanda tried a couple more times to calm you but only found you gaining in emotions. She ran back to the car in panic not knowing what to do. As she got there she found Bucky sat there staring blank straight a head. Hands grasping the steering while so tight his knuckles were white. Slowly he turned his head then opened the car window but it was as if he was on autopilot. Bucky seemed vacant, absent, stiff.

"What's wrong?" Bucky's face went from blank to concerned seeing Wanda.

"Bucky, have you taken the train on his grave?"

"No, why would I have? I haven't even been there."

"She's hysterical it's gone and we can not find it."

"Shit!" Bucky banged the palm of his hand down on the steering wheel. He slowly unbuckled his seat belt and opened the door. Hesitantly, he moved his legs around but remained seated as if stuck to the car seat.

"Please can you try an calm her?"

"Wanda, she wants nothing to do with me." His eyes begged at Wanda. As if to say 'please don't make me do this'.

"I don't know what to do Bucky! I, I can't keep this up," Wanda began sobbing herself feeling overwhelmed.

"Christ," he muttered under his breath slowly standing out of the car. "Can you get her to come here, come to the gate?"

"I can't Bucky! You have to go to your wife!" Wanda turned back to the entrance gate took a few steps then paused when she realised he was not following. "Wait! You, you haven't been there yet have you?"

Bucky's head fell in shame eyes cast down to his feet.

"Not once?" 

"No, only twice briefly. Once for funeral and once to find Y/N, literally seconds only."

"Oh God Bucky I had no idea! Please, I get it's hard but come now." Wanda pleaded with the mournful looking man. Bucky sighed then slammed the car door shut and followed Wanda through the cold, frosty graveyard to find you still searching.

"Hey, Y/N," Wanda spoke softly.

"It is truly gone Wanda! What am I going to do!"

"It's okay Bucky is here he will help look." At the mention of his name Bucky tried to smile sympathetically at you but was met with a grief stricken shade of you. You were paler, sunken, dark shadows and find likes appeared. You LOOKED ill. You did seem fit to be here then as if reading his mind you began to cough. You sank to your knees as the painful coughing fit took hold.

"WHY ARE YOU HERE, NOW." you shouted at him while looking up from the ground.

"Because Wanda...."

"Because Wanda? What about Jay?! Huh? What about him? You know, you're only child! You can'T bringing yourself here for him."

"It's...it's hard Y/N...."

"NO!" You screamed. "IT'S SIMPLE. You weren't here when it happened and you haven't been here now. NOT ONCE HAVE YOU BEEN HERE TO SEE HIM." Your face transformed into a scowl the likes of which Bucky had never seen before. "You don't love him Bucky!"

"DON'T YOU DARE. DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT Y/N!" He snapped screaming back.

"Then why havn't you been here, huh?"

"Because it hurt's Y/N! It hurts to much. This place, this grave, seeing you so broken. I don't need you to  make me feel guilty and I spend every minute of every day feeling that guilt."

"You are a parent. You suck it up for him, to come see him!"

"HE ISN'T HERE. THAT!" Bucky pointed at the grave, "That isn't him. Not anymore. That is just dirt."

"How dare you say that about my child!"

"MY child, MY child as well Y/N. He isn't there because he is in here!" Bucky placed a hand on his heart. "JAY HAS NEVER LEFT ME AND NEVER WILL. I miss him Y/N. I miss him so fucking much. Putting yourself through misery here every day will not bring him back.  You can still talk to him in other ways any time you want."

Buck stepped forward slowly hearing your cries ring out, as he reached you he crouched down and reached up to wipe a tear from your face with his thumb. You flinched away at first until you couldn't hold back anymore. All this time resisting but his pull was to strong. You looked Bucky, your husband, your soul mate, your friend, your lover, father of your child, in the eyes for the first time in so long. You collapsed forward and Bucky jolted forward to catch you, ending up on his knees on the ground as he wrapped his arms around you and held you. He could feel your entire body vibrate. You were so cold he was sure some of it was shivers as well but you were just to stubborn to admit.

 "Talk to him Bucky. Let him know you are here. Please for him don't make him think you have forgotten."

"I could never forget him."

"Don't tell me that! Tell him!"

Reluctantly Bucky pulled away from embracing you and shuffled over on his knees to next to the wooden cross. For a moment he sat in silence then took a big breath and spoke feel very conscious of you and Wanda in close proximity.

"Hey little man. Um, I know I haven't been. Daddy is sorry. I'm here now. I'm here my baby boy I haven't forgotten you. I will talk to you every night but not always here. Listen out for me son and I will talk back home at the base, listen out for my voice. It is cold here today but I hope you are nice and warm and having fun. I am so sorry about your train. Mummy has looked and Auntie Wanda has looked. We will get you a new one I promise. A bigger and better one! Does that sound good? I miss you and love you Jay."  Tears silently streaked his face as he spoke. He saw you in the corner of his eye. You were smiling as he spoke to your son., He realized he wasn't doing this for Jay, no this was for you. YOU needed Bucky to do this. Suffering in silent solitude was being mistaken for apathy. You couldn't be more wrong about the depths of anguish Bucky felt.  You needed to know though, you needed to see so Bucky would do this now for you. Anything for you. The tears flowed from Bucky faster. Tears for Jay, tears for himself and tears for you.

As you saw the tears flow from Bucky you felt an odd sense of achievement. Like you had completed something, you had brought father back to son. Reaching over you placed your hand on Buck's. He grabbed at it and brought your knuckles to his face, gently he pressed them to his lips and kissed them as he cried leaving damp streaks on your skin. "I'm sorry you thought I abandoned him. I promise I'll talk to him more often. But now I've done this, make me a promise Y/N."

"What?" You frowned.

"Tomorrow, don't come here. Stay at home, rest, then come the next day. You are not well and Jay needs a mother who is healthy and strong. It's so cold out here and you are still fighting an infection. You can spend all day talking to him and writing him letters at home if you want. Just, please, look after yourself. For his sake not mine or yours. You have to stay well enough to be here for him. You can't visit from hospital."

You bit your lip reluctant to respond but you knew he as right, he had faced up to his fears and come here today. "Okay, fine, you are my hot drink and snack bitch for the day then."

"If it will keep you warm, dry and rested, I will be your anything bitch." Bucky replied with a satisfied smile.

"HA! You wish!" You let out a slight laugh. That laugh! How Bucky had missed it! It was music to his ears hearing that and it was a small glimmer of the old you. A sliver of light from the dark cloud slightly illuminating what was. You had been such a happy family before this. The type of love and happiness people envied and hoped they could one day have for themselves. Bucky's mind cast back to his wedding day.

_Steve fiddled with Bucky's bow tie making sure it was neat and tidy as they stood waiting for your arrival at the venue.  Bucky was slightly shakey as he shifted position._

_"Will you keep still Bucky while I try and fix this?" Steve said._

_"I'm sorry I can't help it."_

_"What's wrong, nervous? Not having second thoughts are you?"_

_"NO! God no! It's, it's a happy nervous. Anticipation not fear."_

_"Even now you feel that about Y/N?"_

_"Yes of course. I am about to see her in her wedding dress. I am about to make a commitment to her. Those vows Steve, I mean every single one of them, I really do. She....she is..."_

_"What is she Bucky?"_

_"EVERYTHING! She is my everything. I can't picture a single day without her by my side. I want to make a life with her. I want to grow old with her. I want to make memories with her.  I can't explain it...I just feel it you know?"_

_"No...I don't know...maybe once I could of had that, but well I got frozen. She didn't. I don't know if I will ever have that feeling. How do you know, she's the one?"_

_Bucky laughed, "You just know in your heart Steve. There is no one to tell you, no signs, you will just KNOW."_

_"I really am happy for you Buck, after everything, you deserve happiness. Seeing how her love has healed you has just been an honor to watch. She has helped bring parts of the old Bucky back to me. The Buck I thought had been lost.  The Buck I couldn't reach, she did that though. I owe her." Steve patted Bucky on the shoulder as the two men smiled at each other._

 Wanda stood back allowing the two of you to have your moment. It was so difficult seeing the rupture between such a couple. Everyone said you were made for each other and she really thought so as well. You had your own story of how you joined the Avengers and it was as if everything had been one huge twist of fate to bring the both of you together. Through time and pain. Wanda just hoped this pain would not tear the two of you apart. This was the first time she had seen you let Bucky come close. She reached into her deep black coat pocket and felt something cold and hard. Her eyes widened. Oh god, the train. She remembered now. It had gotten rusty and a wheel had come off already, she had picked it up yesterday to fix it forgetting! Wanda felt so guilty for the fear and pain she had just put you through. But as she watched you place your head on Buck's shoulder, as the two of you cried saying goodbye for the day, perhaps it was fate. One more twist of fate trying to bring you together once more. No, she wouldn't say anything about it not now. She would let husband and wife be by their child's side in as much peace as could be had while in such a bleak, despondent place and situation. 

 


	6. chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A surprise awaits your return to the grave.

You kept your promise to Bucky, you didn't go back to the graveyard the next day.  It felt as if you were being torn in two. It had become ingrained into you the habit of getting up each morning with the sole intention of going there, so now you weren't it felt wrong to still be on the base. It had become your reason to get up in the morning. You felt it pull you, lure you there but the promise you made to Bucky kept you back. You knew he was right but you felt restless. You made your way to the kitchen then paced back to your room, then to Jay's room. Wanting a glass of water you paced back to the kitchen. Over and over you kept on this restless route. You just could not relax knowing you had deviated from your routine. It sent anxiety through out every bit of you as you kept up the nervous energy.

You jumped feeling a hand on your shoulder, you turned around to see who it was, "Don't touch me."

"You are suppose to be taking it easy today Y/N," he sounded concerned.

"How can I relax? Jay knows I'm not there!" You pulled away from his grasp.

"Y/N, he, he knows how often you have been there. Come with me." Bucky grabbed your hand and started leading you down the hall. You were to tired to argue back and blankly followed as he guided you. It wasn't look and you were in the doorway of Jay's room. 

"Why are we here Bucky?"

"Just sit. Be still. Do you feel it?"

"Feel what?"

"Him. Jay. Don't you think this is where he would want to be? Don't you think he would prefer to be with all his toys than at cold graveyard?" Bucky guided you to the white rocking chair. "Sit."

Bucky headed to a cupboard, opening it up he grabbed a soft blue blanket and placed it over you. He sat on the floor in the middle of the room and stared at you. The next move was yours. Would you stay in the chair of make a bolt for it? He watched as you pulled the blue blanket to your nose, closed your eyes and inhaled deeply. A tiny smile flickered across your face then was gone again. 

"I remember Y/N, holding him in that blanket while you napped. You had fallen asleep in that chair with him in your arms, you had fallen asleep feeding him and still had your top undone. I laughed seeing your breast still out and glad it was me that had walked in. I scooped him up and held him as he slept milk drunk. When he woke up it was the first smile he ever gave me."

"Those early days I LIVED with my tits out. He was a hungry monkey. I think everyone had seen my nipples by then." You laughed at the memory.

"I never told you Y/N. I was so proud of you. So proud of how well you did in labor. So proud of you for feeding him. You grew him, birthed him and fed him. All you. Not me."

"Not like I had a choice, you couldn't push him out." 

"But still, thank you Y/N. You gave me my beautiful boy."

"Past tense...Bucky....gave...." Tears began to slid down your face. 

"I'll never forget him. He will always be with us. Nothing can take that away from us Y/N, nothing. He was real, he was here and he was loved. I still love him. I always will. He will stay with his mother, he won't leave you. You don't need the grave, you don't need this room, you just need to talk to him and he will hear."

Your face turned to anger, "You expect me to to just stop going there? Stop coming here?"

"Yes because putting yourself through hell won't change anything!"

"I am in hell Bucky, this is god damn hell! Apparently you are here with me like it or not!"

"YOU WANT ME TO GO?! I'LL GO!" Bucky stood up from his seat on the ground.

"You weren't here those first three days he was gone. You left me in hell alone then so why not leave me be now?!"

"I was on a mission! How was I to know!" He clenched his fists as he turned his back to you. "You think I did it on purpose? You are angry at me for that? Well ever thought I'm angry at you. You got those last moments with him I never had, extra time with him I didn't! Do I hold that over your head? No."

You were stunned into silence. You had never even considered his side of it, so focused on your own pain. You watched as Bucky stormed out of the room leaving you alone. Holding the blanket to your nose again you inhaled again and fresh tears flowed from your eyes, down your face and onto the blanket. Being alone didn't bother you with a heat so filled with pain, it made little difference. You rocked back and forth in the chair until your eyes felt heavy and you drifted off to sleep.  You were not aware of Bucky coming back into the room, of Bucky covering you up with a bigger blanket, of him planting a kiss no your forehead. He whispered not wanting to wake you, "I have to go out. Won't be long. I love you."

 

* * *

 

You had kept your promise of staying home for one day. You had humored Bucky but now, it was a new day. It had felt good to rest and perhaps you would start missing the odd day at the grave not that you would admit to Bucky he had shown you how you could still be close to Jay back there.. Pulling on your coat you wrapped a scarf around your neck you headed out of the base. You didn't tell anyone you were going. After giving it a miss yesterday you could not be held back today, you had to go see him and did not want to risk someone trying to stop you. Especially Bucky. You had given in to him once you weren't about to again so soon. Trudging along the cold hard ground you took the familiar path you knew so well. You nodded to Mrs Blair who had lost her husband a month ago, she came every day to share a coffee, Their morning habit in life and in death. You knew at 9:15 on a Friday George would do a wonder of the site before laying fresh flowers on his wives grave, he would be along soon with his tip of a hat and friendly smile. A new women had begun visiting off and on. You didn't know her name but she visited a fresh grave not far from your sons. Her hair had been dark when she first started vising but now the grey grew longer and longer, as if she had stopped the up keep. Her skin paler and paler with no more fake tan. You gave her a knowing smile as she held a tissue to her eye. These had become your acquaintances, there were even more who's habits and routines you had learnt. Somehow you now felt more of a connection to these people than the ones in your life back on the base, the ones you called friends. You felt distant one the base but here, you felt understood, alive. 

As you reached the grave something shiny caught your eye. A train, a new one resting proudly on the grave. Next to it flowers and a card. You picked it up confused but then smiled reading the inside. Bucky. In all the sorrow you had forgotten yet he remembered. In all the mess you had forgotten yourself, and your husband while he was still clinging on to you by a weak thread. He knew you would come here today. Bucky knew they would of been missed back on the base. Flowers and a card for your wedding anniversary. While you had given up on yourself Bucky never had. A fresh new guilt started to eat away at your insides, the neglect of your marriage. You had made vows to Bucky, made promises. Deep down you knew how much you had loved him, how much you still did. Which was stronger though the grief of a mother or the love of a wife? You were struggling to see past the dark haze clouding your vision of the future. Could it ever go back to being close to what you once had? The memory of how he proposed came to your mind, it had been very....unconventional. A faint hint of butterflies swirled in your stomach remembering. A sudden urge to go to Bucky came to you, to have him wrap those arms around you and hold you tight. To let him back into your heart as the pain was so much for one soul to bare.

 

_You ran for cover as bullets whizzed past you. They had been close enough that you felt the rush of air as they just missed. You ignored the pain in your arm where one had JUST grazed you. Time to check the damage done later, now you needed to survive. You let out a deep breath with your back against the wall and checked your ammo. Dammit, nearly out. You had to be c_ _areful with return fire, make each shot count._

_A voice made you jump as a figure appeared next to you, you gun shakily aimed at the black mass. "Y/N!"_

_"Jesus Buck, you scared me! Can you tell how many of them there are?"_  

_"To many to count, but don't worry. We have a Hulk. And he's due to turn up any second."_

_"Good!"_

_"I also have these," Bucky smirked. He pulled out a grenade from some hidden pocket. Pulling the pin he threw it into the direction of the gun fire then put his arm around you pulling you down to the ground, Bucky used his own body as cover for any potential debris._

_"Got anymore where that came from?" You laughed._

_"One more. after than help better turn up. Listen Y/N," Bucky's voice sounded serious. You looked into his eyes scared of what he was going to say next. "IF we get out of this one, promise me something?"_

_"What is it Bucky?"_

_"We survive this you marry me." His eyes looked nervous into yours waiting for answer._

_"We have to get out of here first! But alright deal, get me out of here and I will marry you."  You smiled then kissed him deep on the lips. Using the distraction you grabbed his last grenade, pulled the pin and threw it. "What? Can't let you have all the fun."_

_"Y/N," Bucky smiled at you. "I  don't say it enough, but I fucking love you doll."_

_"Not bad yourself solider. Now focus on the mission."_

 


End file.
